How do you break up with a friend? In a romantic relationship we might text our partner the ol’ “we need to talk” message and they would probably have an idea about what social script is about to happen. But with friends? Well…it depends. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to ending a friendship but here are some things to consider.
Ending a friendship is an activity that exists on a spectrum from explicit communication to 100% ghosting, with a slow fade-out in between. It is up to you what:
- Feels right
- Is aligned with your values
- Is practically doable (i.e. maybe you can’t “fade-out” because you see this person every day at work, on campus, or in class)
- Is safe
These are hard things to balance. Again, consider reaching out to other members of your support network to talk about it and strategize.
If you are the friend being broken up with and it is feeling hard, that is a normal feeling. Friend breakups can be hard for many reasons, including (Zarrabi, 2024):
- Not being ready to let go of the past/ the relationship
- Abrupt endings are jarring and can be confusing
- Fear of never having a friend like this again
- Wondering if it is your fault or something you did wrong
- Feelings of alienation – wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this before?
- You continue to see what they are up to through social media
Return to your Pod/ network of support to lean on during these times of transition and hurt. Talking about the feelings you are having and reflecting on the relationship are crucial steps on the road to feeling better, learning from the experience, and moving forward with more knowledge.
Do we Want to Try to Fix Whatever is Wrong? Have we Tried?
It is perfectly normal to find yourself in a friendship that isn’t working for you. It can be unfortunate, but you are not required to try to fix it. You can if you want, but you are also always allowed to walk away. However, if you do want to try and repair it, start by taking some time to think carefully about what is not working. You may want to write down some notes on your phone, computer, or a piece of paper to help you get clarity and/or remember your thoughts when you head to the next step. Try asking yourself:
- How do I feel when I am with this friend?
- How do I feel after I spend time with or speak to this friend?
- Is there something specific they say or do that makes me upset? Angry? Sad? Afraid? Annoyed? Ashamed? Guilty?
- Do they seem to have similar values to me? (refer to values exercise)
- What do other trusted people in my life say about them?
- What is my gut telling me?
After you have done some thinking and reflecting (and don’t forget that reaching out to people whose opinion you trust is always an option!) go back to the question: Do I want to try and fix this? If the answer is still yes, consider setting up a conversation.
Conversations can look differently for different people. They can happen in person, they can happen in a video call, they can happen through texts or voice notes, they can happen on the phone…the list goes on. Consider both yourself and the person you want to speak with. How can we set the stage for this conversation to ensure that everyone’s needs are taken into consideration? Sometimes writing a letter and reading it to the person is helpful. Sometimes writing a letter and handing it to them to read on their own and then discuss later is helpful. Consider your approach. These conversations can be hard and make people feel vulnerable, defensive, upset, and so much more. See this infosheet for more information on How to Have Curious and Courageous Conversations.
Remember, you won’t probably be able to “fix” a friendship in one conversation, it may take time and it will certainly take willingness from both sides to address the issues. If you want to change something about a friendship and the other person is unwilling, it may be time to end that relationship, or at least take a pause until the other person is ready to work with you.
