Relationship Check-Ins
All types of relationships need maintenance. Regular maintenance looks like communicating, sharing feelings, and spending time together. But sometimes relationships need a more intentional “check in”. If you have a relationship that is feeling hard or just not right, maybe it’s time to set a Relationship Check-In.
What is the purpose of a relationship check-in? It is a time for you and the other person to get together for a purposeful conversation about what is working, what is not working, and how you can work together to make things better. These conversations can bring up a lot of emotions for both parties so it is important to prepare and remember that having difficult conversations, especially ones that involve emotional vulnerability, takes time, patience, and practice. Consider these steps for before, during, and after a relationship check-in.
BEFORE:
- Think carefully about what you want to communicate. Make notes, talk it through with trusted people, consider your words.
- Think about what you hope to come out of this conversation. Are you hoping that an action is taken afterwards or do you just want validation and to be heard? Going into a conversation with a clear(er) picture of your needs will help you stay on track. Of course, this can change through the conversation and in consultation with the other person but at least beginning with an initial idea can help bring clarity to a space that so easily gets jumbled up.
- Envision how you will compassionately and clearly communicate what you want to say. Remember all that stuff about “I statements” where we communicate from our perspective instead of blaming? That can really help express tough feelings without the other person feeling like they are being blamed and need to defend themself.
- Get in the mindset of curiosity and care. If you are feeling off in a relationship, sometimes the other person is too. When we approach conversations with curiosity, we open the door to the perspectives and thoughts of the other person. Those perspectives and thoughts are crucial to solving problems in your relationship. And remember, it is not enough to just be curious – we have to care about what the other person is saying and honour their experience.
- Invite the person for a conversation. No one wants to receive a text that just says, “We need to talk.” as the ambiguity and seriousness can cause unnecessary anxiety and stress. Try giving some context so the other person has an idea of what to expect. For example, “Hey, are you free today or tomorrow? I want to have a conversation with you over the phone. I have been feeling like a few things in our friendship aren’t quite working the way I want it to and I want to talk to you about it because I care about this relationship.”
- Consider where and when. If the conversation is going to happen in person, consider the location carefully. Is it quiet? Private? Will you be able to stay there longer if needed or will you have to leave by a certain time? For time of day, if you can, try to make sure you have time to decompress (i.e. walking, listening to music, journaling, exercising, etc.) after as these conversations can be emotionally exhausting and you may need time to think, reflect, and rest.
For more information about “I Statements” check out our Further Reading section at the end of this toolkit for a resource from Boston University about how to form statements and what their purpose is.
DURING:
- Do your best to remain engaged in the conversation through active listening. Active listening can look like eye contact and nodding along but it can also look like asking clarifying questions to make sure you have understood the person correctly. You can also try rephrasing what the person has just said back to them to check that you have understood what they are trying to say.
- If you find yourself getting distracted or overwhelmed during the conversation, you can always ask to take a break and/ or use something to keep your hands busy such as a f idget or a pen and paper for doodling.
- At the end of the conversation have a mini check-in. You can both share how you are feeling in the moment, discuss or confirm any action items there are, and set a time to check in later on.
If eye contact is hard for you, not appropriate in your culture, or you find yourself putting more work into showing you’re engaged than being engaged, get creative and communicate. For example, you could try, “I know I’m not looking at you, it helps me to listen. You are welcome to check-in and ask if I heard you, but I promise I’m listening and want to hear more.” Or “I know listening looks like nodding and quick responses for you, but I can show you I am listening through taking notes and responding after we take a two minute break.”
AFTER:
- Jot down some quick notes of how the conversation went. Sometimes in intense conversations, our memory doesn’t always work as well. Write down anything that stood out to you, any action items that were mutually agreed upon, how you feel, if there is something you want to do differently next time, and any other thoughts you think you might want to reflect on later. Don’t worry about writing in full sentences or having proper grammar and spelling. These notes are for you only.
- When you have recovered and rested, take action on those items that were discussed. Perhaps you need to have even more conversations with that person. Be proactive.
- Check-in with the person. If you agreed on a post-conversation check-in time, make sure you honour it. Further check-ins can also be really helpful because reactions have had time to subside and give way to clarity.
For more information about how to have difficult conversations with someone you care about, check out the Further Reading Section at the end of this toolkit.
TABLEAU: How do I tell my current roommate and friend that I can’t do this again next year?
Julio lives with his best friend Miles in their university’s dorms. They’ve been close for years, but living together has shown Julio that he really doesn’t like Miles as a roommate. Miles seems to take up the whole room, even when he’s just sitting in the corner at his desk, gaming. He wears really aggressive cologne on top of aftershave, his clothes are on the floor, and he only plays games with headphones on when Julio asks him to. Otherwise, the game is blaring for the entire dorm to hear.
Julio knows that if he wants to keep being friends with Miles, he needs to not live with him. But he and Miles have never had a conversation like this before. How do you even tell someone that they’re a bad roommate but a good friend? Julio texts his friend Khalil. Khalil has three brothers, and has told a lot of stories about the fights they’ve had. He would probably have some ideas. Right? “
Give Miles space,” Khalil advises, before Julio can even finish his story. “Tell him what’s real— he’s pissing you off, but also that he’s important to you. You want a different roommate, that’s going to hurt his feelings. Let him feel that. All you can do is respect him while taking care of you.” Julio pulls out his phone. Together, he and Khalil make a list of the things Julio wants to make sure he says. Then Khalil has him practice saying them aloud. “It’s easier if you do it a few times, first,” he explains. “It kind of gets you used to doing it.”
That evening, Julio sits down with Miles after classes to tell him he will be finding a new roommate for the next school year. Miles is furious. Julio is only part way through explaining himself when Miles storms out of the room. Julio wants to give his friend the space to be upset, like Khalil recommended, but also wants to finish expressing himself. He texts Miles, explaining that he values their friendship, but living together has made that hard. By living separately next year, they can just be friends, again. Julio adds that he understands that this isn’t fun news to get. “I’m going to leave our room now,” he concludes, “and not come back until 10pm tonight, so you can have some space to think about things. I’m sorry this has turned out this way.”
Julio spends the evening in the student lounge. Miles doesn’t answer his text, but Julio sees that it’s been read. A little after 10pm, he goes back to the room. Miles is there, gaming at his computer. He turns when Julio comes in, and says, “I get what you’re saying, but I’m still really upset. Can we talk about this in a few days? Like, on Friday?”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” Julio says. “We can definitely talk about the situation and how we’re both feeling, but I’m still going to find a new roommate for next year.”
Miles’s shoulders slump, but he nods. “Okay. Yeah. I’m mad, but I appreciate the honesty, I guess.” He turns back to his game. “We can talk it out on Friday.”
This situation shows the complex nature of relationships and how some people might be great as friends but not as something else. Julio cares about Miles but recognizes that he is not what he looks for in a roommate. The conversation they have is respectful, allows for emotions to be expressed and has a time-frame for returning to the conversation after some space to reflect and emotionally regulate.
For more information on how to get along with your roommate, check out this infosheet (and check this one out on creating a Roommate Agreement).
A Moment to Reflect…
What tools/supports did Julio use to have this difficult conversation?
How do you think Miles felt before, during, and after the conversation?
What do you think about the advice Khalil gave Julio? Do you agree? Disagree?
Repairing Relationships
Toolkits & Infosheets
Documentation to help campus staff and students with mental health issues.
