Enmeshed Relationships
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship (friendship, romantic, or otherwise) where you can’t seem to put your needs first? You may be in what’s called an “enmeshed relationship”. An enmeshed relationship is when you are “overly connected and [need] to meet the other person’s needs so badly that [you] lose touch with [your] own needs, goals, desires, and feelings” (Marie, 2021). Enmeshed relationships are missing vital boundaries.
You may be in an enmeshed relationship if (Marie, 2021):
- You don’t feel in touch with your feelings because you’re concentrating on another person’s needs
- You believe it’s your responsibility to save, protect, or serve another person — or someone is treating you that way
- You’re giving up hobbies or interests to adapt to the lifestyle or expectations of another
- Your relationship determines your happiness, self-esteem, or sense of self
- You experience another person’s emotions as if they were your own
- You’re replacing other relationships with your partner’s or family’s
- You suppress your own feelings to avoid disagreement or conflict
- You can’t make a decision without your partner or family’s approval, or when you make an independent decision, you face backlash, guilt, or shame
- You feel uncomfortable spending time away from your partner or family
- There’s a lack of privacy between you and your parents, family, or partner
Losing touch with yourself, your needs, and your boundaries is not a healthy place to be. If you think you might be in an enmeshed relationship, consider the following next steps:
Recognize the problem – Take some time to reflect on the points above. Do they sound and feel familiar to you? There is no need to rush to conclusions but it is important to take this reflection seriously. Recognizing that there is a problem in your relationship is the first step to addressing it and making things better.
Think about boundaries – Try thinking of a past or current relationship (friend, family, romantic, etc.) where you felt safe, secure, and cared for. What boundaries from that other relationship made you feel safe, secure, and cared for? If you haven’t had a lot of experience with healthy boundaries (totally normal!), talk to a trusted person about what boundaries they have with others that make them feel good. For more information about boundaries, check out this infosheet.
Communicate – Once you have done some careful thinking (and maybe even jotted down some notes), it is time to consider how you will communicate them to the person you are in an enmeshed relationship with. Kindness and directness can be a powerful combination in these interactions. Try your best to be clear about what is not working for you and what actions you hope both parties can take to change the dynamic. Take a look at this infosheet on How to Have Curious and Courageous Conversations and the section below on Relationship Check-Ins for more information on communication.
Be prepared for resistance – These conversations are hard to have and hard to hear. Be prepared for the person you are speaking with to have objections and maybe have some big feelings about what you are saying. Remember, part of breaking out of enmeshed relationships is developing a tolerance to disappointing the person you are in a relationship with. Whatever happens in this conversation, you are taking steps to change a situation that is not working for you and for that, you can be proud of yourself.
Get support – Consider talking to a trusted person or a professional such as a therapist or counsellor about the challenges you are facing. You don’t have to tackle this alone. Especially with enmeshed relationships which can sometimes make you lose part of your sense of self, advocating for your needs and boundaries can be challenging. Consider leaning on your support network in this process to get other perspectives, validation, and advice.
Remember what comes next – Undoing an enmeshed relationship is not about hurting someone or throwing a relationship away, it is about reclaiming your independence, identity, and re-establishing healthy boundaries that will positively affect your mental health and well being. Keeping in mind all the positives that are waiting for you at the end of a tough process can help you stay motivated and on track when things feel overwhelming.
For more information on enmeshed relationships, go to the Further Reading section at the end of this toolkit and check out an article written by Simone Marie and reviewed by Jennifer Litner, PhD, LMFT, CST. It discusses what enmeshed relationships can look like among couples and families, specific signs of enmeshed relationships and what you can do if you are in one.
