Toxic relationships can be hard to spot at first (or sometimes it’s really obvious!) but either way, toxic relationships can be really damaging to your self-esteem, mental health, and even your physical health. Toxicity can look like a lot of things. Sometimes it can look like (Han, 2025):
- Lying
- Gossiping
- Name-calling or bullying
- Overt selfish behaviour or self-centeredness
- Jealous or controlling behaviour
Toxicity can show up in the way people act and/or the way they communicate. If you find yourself in a relationship where you feel drained by the other person and when you try to bring up your concerns, you are met with anger and denial, you may be in a toxic relationship.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a relationship has gone from toxic to abusive. If you are unsure, always talk about it with a trusted person or professional such as a therapist or counsellor. You also don’t have to wait for a relationship to meet a threshold of harm to leave. Leaving is allowed regardless of if you’re sure about calling it toxic or abusive.
You can also read more about the overlap and differences of toxicity and abuse in our Further Reading section in an article from the Gottman Institute which discusses characteristics of a toxic relationships, the key differences between toxic and abusive relationships, the impact of toxic relationships on physical, psychological and social health, as well as common warning signs. The article wraps up with how boundaries can play a role in supporting ourselves, as well as the many ways of having a healing process.
TABLEAU – Is this a toxic relationship? Friends who offload and lack curiosity about your inner world.
Talia: OHMYGOD, Mari, thank God you answered your phone, I’ve been calling you all afternoon. Why didn’t you pick up?
Mari: Hey, yeah, I was in class, sorry! I just stepped out to go to the bathroom so I could call back real quick. I’m here now. What’s wrong? What do you need?
Talia: Listen, I just got off the bus, and I swear to God, the woman next to me was taking up so much room, it was SO disrespectful, holy—
Mari: Wait. I’m asking what’s wrong? Because you called me five times in a row?
Talia: What, I can’t talk to my best friend?
Mari: Talia, I literally told you that Tuesdays are my lab days. They’re important.
Talia: Oh, right! Your super-special doctor class!
Mari: It’s an organic chemistry class that I need to pass in order to actually become pre-med officially. It’s a big deal, girl. A HUGE deal. I can’t just take a phone call during it.
Talia: Dang, okay. Chill.
Mari: So, is there an emergency, or not?
Talia: I mean. No. Not if you’re going to make our friendship all about whether there is a good enough reason for me to call you or not. Since your career comes first or whatever.
Mari: Talia, did you literally disrupt the class that can literally make or break my chances at getting into med school because you forgot about it? You’ve been doing this kind of thing for a while now, I really want you to think about where I’m coming from.
Talia: This conversation is not giving me what I need right now. Go back to your stupid class. Bye.
Mari’s and Talia’s interaction showcases a situation where there isn’t respect or consideration from Talia towards Mari’s capacity and needs. Mari is not feeling heard or valued of her priorities and boundaries.
