How are you doing right now? How are you feeling about the friends and people in your life? The first part of this toolkit is going to focus on these questions. Before we can make an action plan (a to-do list to get us from where we are to where we want to be) we need to stop, take a look around, and take notice of our current circumstances.
One way to begin this process is Pod-Mapping. Pod-Mapping is an exercise to help give you a better sense of all the pieces and people that make up your support system. Whether they are friends, family, health care practitioners, classmates, or people on campus, this reflection exercise can give you a visual representation of where they are in relation to you. Originally developed by disability activist Mia Mingus (2016), this exercise is meant to help you build and strengthen your community.
Pod-Mapping can help you understand who is close to you, who you would like to bring into your inner circle, and what gaps you might want to consider filling.
Sometimes we refer to our “community of support” but what do we really mean by that? Who makes up that community? This exercise can give you more concrete and clear understandings of where you are.
Click here for the Pod Mapping worksheet and instructions.
Why is this important?
We all have different needs when it comes to relationships. Some people like to have a few close friends, others like to maintain a wide network of acquaintances. There are an infinite number of combinations of intimate and distant relationships. Support networks are made up of a wide range of people who you may interact with on a professional or personal level. Some people in your network may be very event or location specific, while others may be your go-to for a wide range of circumstances. However, if we don’t have a clear understanding of who we have near us and who, perhaps, is missing, it will be a much harder task to get our pod to where we want it to be.
You will also find that your Pod-Map changes constantly – with people moving in and out of your life as both people’s needs shift and change. Don’t worry about making it perfect or neat and tidy. Make it make sense to you.
Once you have completed this exercise, let’s move into the next section where we talk about how to create relationships (bring people into your Pod), how to repair relationships (move them around in your Pod), and how to end relationships (remove them from your Pod).
How are you feeling after completing this exercise?
Stop for a moment, do some breathing, and think about how this Pod-Mapping exercise has made you feel. Maybe you feel neutral (that is okay!), but maybe the exercise has brought things up for you – this is also normal and okay! Systematically reviewing the people in your life isn’t a simple data gathering exercise. It requires honesty and vulnerability. Be patient, kind, and compassionate with yourself as you feel whatever has come up for you.
For information on emotional regulation, check out this infosheet.
TABLEAU – Seeking support from your pod
Myung is meeting with his advisor, Sean. It is almost the end of his first semester at university, and his advisor wants to check in. As Myung settles into one of the chairs in Sean’s office, he slumps backwards a little. Sean furrows his brow and leans across the desk.
“Hey—what’s going on? School stuff, or other stuff?”
Myung closes his eyes for a second. “Other stuff, I guess. Technically. My research job.”
Sean sits back. “Is Professor Call giving you issues?”
“No, actually. It’s my co-worker.” Myung goes on to describe exactly how difficult it has become to work with Tatiana, the other student doing research for Professor Call. Tatiana has insisted from the start that she doesn’t need help from Myung, either on her projects or when she is reviewing her work. But, Myung explains, when he does what Tatiana has asked and doesn’t offer to help, just focuses on his own work, she seems to get angry at him. She won’t look him in the eye, talks to him from over her shoulder instead of face-to-face, and keeps her responses short. Almost sharp, honestly. Myung doesn’t know what to do.
“I’d be happy to help her!” he explains to Sean. “We’re working on really interesting stuff, but the workload is big. I could certainly use some help from her sometimes. But I don’t feel like I can ask for help because she told me she didn’t want my help. But then it feels like she hates me? And working in the office has just gotten so awkward. I hate it. I can’t read her mind AND respect what she asked me to do. You can’t have it both ways!”
Sean nods slowly. “If I were in your shoes as a student, I probably would’ve done the same thing. But now, having worked a couple of jobs and had different kinds of coworkers, I might do things a little differently. Would you like some recommendations from me? If not, completely fine. I can certainly offer sympathy. This sounds very frustrating.”
Myung shakes his head, and explains that, no, he would really like some recommendations, please and thanks. Sean grins and nods. “Listen,” he says. “When you can’t be sure of how someone’s feeling, but you know that their feelings are having a negative impact on everyone’s wellbeing, you’re allowed to ask about it. Not like, ‘hey, what’s wrong with you?’ but more ‘hey, I feel like things have been stressful in here lately. Could I help you out with anything? Or is there anything you need?’ Your experience is not their responsibility, but how they treat you IS. When in doubt, try some gentle curiosity, maybe. You’re allowed to want things to be better.”
In this tableau, Myung seeks support from one of many people in his life about a tough situation at work. Sean may not be a close friend or family member, but is still able to provide advice and reassurance.
