Self-Reflection on Values
We make and keep relationships for all sorts of reasons (head back to our introduction for more on this). Sometimes we make friends over a common interest or hobby, sometimes proximity and location helps us build a relationship; but at the core of many fulfilling, close relationships, there is a sense of shared values. What are values? What are shared values? Let’s take a look at what a value is, how we might uncover ours, and how we can look for them in others.
“Values guide our behaviors, decisions, and actions” (Jeffrey, 2024).
“Values are things that are important to you” (The University of Edinburgh, 2024). We often name our values so we can have a shared language that others can understand. To uncover our values we may ask ourselves: What do I enjoy doing? How do I like to relate to others? What is important to me? These are all big and broad questions but they are the beginnings of learning about our values.
Difference between values and core values:
We all have lots of values that help guide us through our lives, but a few of those are really important to us to the point where we find it hard to do things that conflict with them. Those 2-4 really important values are our core values. If you find yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, confused, and distressed, part of the reason for that may be that it conflicts with your core values. Maybe you are being asked to lie about something and one of your core values is honesty. Or perhaps someone is encouraging you to ditch a friend and one of your core values is loyalty. Pay attention to those big reactions or think about times you have had them in the past – they may help you uncover your core values – the things you are not willing to compromise on.
Check out the Further Reading section at the end of this toolkit for an article by TapRooT that outlines how you may determine what your values are by providing a list of examples, as well as helping you identify what themes emerge from the values you have selected so you are able to identify your core values.
You can also check out a four-page document by The University of Utah, Student Success Coaches, which provides a step-by-step process of identifying your values by reflecting on times that have made you the happiest, most proud, and most fulfilled.
Values reflect our identity and they help us understand ourselves, our motivations, and our priorities. Values and sometimes core values, will shift over time and space.
What do you want to feel like?
When you are in a place where you are intentionally trying to make friends and create connections, you may be inclined to ask yourself – what kind of friend do I want? Instead, you might want to ask yourself: how do I want to feel in a friendship or relationship? Consider the following questions:
- Do you want to feel deeply listened to? Heard and understood?
- Are you looking for someone to be excited with you about things you have going on in your life? Someone who can help amplify feelings of joy and excitement?
- Do you want someone to be calm and quiet with you in times of reflection, grief, and sadness?
Perhaps you want someone who makes you feel multiple things, that’s okay too! Your answers to these questions can help you get a better understanding of what kinds of people you would like to have in your life.
For more information on critical self-reflection, check out this infosheet.
