How do you feel about the way you use technology (cellphones, social media, etc.) in your relationships? Do you struggle with feeling like you always have to be available to answer calls and messages? Do you get overwhelmed with notifications and managing relationships virtually? Now might be a good time to reflect on how you use technology in your relationships. Technology is a tool and it is up to you to decide how you want to use it. Consider the following steps:
1. Reflect – ask yourself the following questions:
- How are you using technology in your relationships right now (ex. texting, posting on social media)?
- What is working about how you use technology in your relationships?
- What isn’t working?
- Ideally, if all societal expectations were removed (ex. my grid should show I have friends and do things, people should respond to texts within a set number of hours/ days), how would you like to use technology in your relationships?
If there is a big difference between how you are currently using tech in your relationships and how you would, ideally, like to be using it, it may be time to set some new rules both for yourself and for the people you are communicating with about how technology will be used in your relationships moving forward.
Quick note: Some people are available 24/7 via their phones and are content with that – that is fine! It is also okay to not want to be available 24 hours a day or even 2 hours a day. How available you are through your phone or other pieces of tech is a personal preference. You are allowed to set the rules AND you are allowed to change them whenever you want.
2. Set expectations
Now that you have done some reflecting on how you are using technology in your relationships and how you would like to use technology in your relationships, it is time to communicate some new expectations with the people involved. Some examples of expectations you can set around your use of technology in your relationships:
- I don’t check my phone after 10pm/I put my phone on Do Not Disturb after 10pm
- I won’t answer my phone unless you call twice in a row or text me in advance
- I don’t like it when you send 4 messages in a row instead of just 1 long message
- I only check social media once a day so I may not see your posts/stories right away
- I don’t have social media so I can only be reached by text
- I don’t like having long conversations over text OR I prefer to have long conversations over text rather than in person or over the phone
- I don’t want to commute to school on days I don’t have class so I’d rather do plans (studying, socializing) over video call on those days
- If you want me to like your specific post, send it to me
- Don’t share photos of me on social media without asking first
- If you want to talk to me about demonstrations or protests, message me on an encrypted app
3. Stick to the plan
Some people in your life might be upset, confused, or annoyed by the expectations you are setting with your technology use. While this can be upsetting, it is not your responsibility to shift your practices based on someone else’s needs. Keep doing what you need to do to maintain your mental health and a healthy relationship to technology. Don’t sacrifice your boundaries to make someone else more comfortable. If someone has a persistent issue with the way you use technology in your relationship, consider having a relationship check-in which can be found in the next section of the toolkit.
4. Repeat
Keep reflecting on how you use technology in your relationships and revise your expectations accordingly. You are always allowed to change your mind! Are you feeling like you might be addicted to your phone or social media? Check out our infosheet on Social Media and Cellphone Addiction for more information.
TABLEAU: How do other people use technology in their friendships? Here are the top 3 people I text and what we text about:
Person #1: my brother
Honestly, I text him the most because I am his caretaker. I’m three years older. I make sure he gets to school, he gets home, he eats, he does his homework, etc. If my parents forget, I sign his report cards and stuff. I have never tried “going to him” for something, but I like his sense of humour when he’s not being super annoying. I could try going to him when I need a laugh, or something to pick my mood up when I’m feeling stressed or sad.
Person #2: my friend Kali
I go to her for everything. Literally. But what I appreciate most about her is that she doesn’t let me get away with stuff. Like, if I tell her a guy has been ignoring my texts and it’s messing with me, then the next time he DOES text she’s immediately critical. I can go to her when I need someone to be direct with me, because she cares. She wants me to be okay, and shows that with her ideas and feedback.
Person #3: my group chat with the girls on the pick-up basketball team
The chat is mostly memes, but sometimes, folks will share about stuff they have going on. I’ve noticed that when one of them shares about having trouble with class, someone else will have a recommendation for studying, or even offer to tutor them. I bet that I could message the group when I’m feeling disrespected by a prof, or like I’m doing badly in a class, and they could support me.
These scenarios show how different people in your life can serve different purposes through text and other online formats. Connection through technology can be cultivated in many ways.
